Oscars Mayhem
by UindouSeirei




“Where are we going again?”
	“Yaten, I’ve told you everyday this week. We’re going 
to an award show.”
	“Oh, joy. Rapture. Ecstasy.”
	“I take it you’re excited.”
	“Shut up, Taiki. Once again, this is your fault. Once 
again, you sign us up for some completely idiotic publicity 
stunt.”
	“Yaten, be a man and suck it up.”
	“Ahem. May I remind you that I am NOT-“
	“Oh, be quiet.”
	Yaten Kou folded his arms across his chest and glared 
at the tall figure beside him. Yep, he agreed to himself, 
It’s Taiki’s fault again.
	Taiki, however, wasn’t paying much attention to Yaten 
anymore. He was calling through the bathroom door of their 
hotel room, coaxing out the third member of their trio.
	“Seiya! Come on! There is no possible way that you are 
going to be able to grow a beard in five minutes.”
	“How about just a mustache then?” came the distressed 
voice from behind the door. “Please?”
	“Seiya!” shouted Taiki. “We are going to be late! 
You’re just going to have to go without a beard.”
	Seiya came out of the bathroom, sulkily. He stood 
beside Yaten and mimicked his unhappy pose. Taiki sighed at 
the pair of them.
	“You two, this is actually a big honor,” the tall boy 
informed his scowling companions. “You should be happy.”
	“Happy?!” cried Seiya. “How can I be happy? I’m not 
rugged! Russell Crowe is going to upstage me! I refuse to 
be upstaged by Russell Crowe!”
	“And I’m going to have to watch all of those actresses 
parade around in their gowns when we all know that I would 
look so much better in them!” Yaten complained. “It sucks 
to be male! It sucks!”
	Taiki groaned. “Will you two get over it? It’s just 
one night. Now, COME ON.” With that, he strode into the 
hallway.
	Yaten and Seiya sighed in unison, following Taiki out 
into the hotel hall. Seiya tried to be optimistic.
	“At least we’ll look better than N*Sync,” shrugged 
Seiya. The only response he got from his smaller friend was 
a glare.
	
	“Wow. These Earth people sure make a big deal about 
this thing.”
	“I don’t get it. Who cares about the giving away of a 
small little golden man named Oscar? I think it’s inhumane 
and cruel, personally. It’s slavery!”
	“Seiya… the Oscar is a statue…”
	“… Oh. I knew that.”
	Seiya and Yaten followed Taiki out of the limousine, 
taking in all of their surroundings. They were outside of 
the Kodak Theater in Hollywood, California. Taiki had 
agreed for the trio to present some kind of award there. 
	“What’s this called again?” Seiya asked Yaten.
	Taiki overheard. “It’s the Academy Awards, for the 
fiftieth time. Do you two ever listen to me?”
	“No.”
	Yaten nudged Seiya. “Hey, look. It’s your rival.”
	Seiya looked to the spot that Yaten had indicated. 
Sure enough, standing on the red carpet, wearing a beard, 
was Russell Crowe. Seiya fumed. Yaten patted Seiya’s head 
sympathetically.
	“If it’s any condolence to you, I think you look a lot 
better than him.”
	“Gee, thanks, Yaten. Hey! Check out Nicole Kidman’s 
dress.”
	Yaten scowled at the pink gown. “I would look so much 
better in that…”
	“I think she looked better as a red head. What do you 
think?”
	“I think she’s ugly. Why doesn’t SHE wear this stupid 
tux? I should get the gown.”
	“Keep in mind, Yaten. Though you don’t like it, you 
ARE a guy.”
	“I know… I know…”
	The pair gave a traumatic sigh.
	“We’re never going to get through this night without 
going crazy,” Yaten stated.
	Seiya nodded in agreement. He glanced at Yaten. “You 
know, if we’re going to be forced to go through this 
torture, we should at least try to have some fun.”
	Yaten brightened. “At the expense of others?”
	“Of course!” grinned Seiya.
	Yaten surveyed the crowd standing on the red carpet. 
“Whose evening should we ruin first?”
	Seiya shrugged. “I wish this was the Grammy’s. Then we 
could torture N*Sync.”
	“Yeah, and I could tell Britany Spears how ugly she 
is. God, you’d think the stupid girl would catch on by now. 
Nobody likes her.”
	Seiya’s eyes grew wide. “Hey! It’s Joan Rivers! Let’s 
talk to her!”
	“Yeah,” Yaten perked up some more. “We can tell her 
how bad she looks!”
	“On live television!” 
	“This might not be so bad after all!”

	Taiki peered around the crowd on the red carpet, 
keeping an eye out for Seiya and Yaten.
	“They’ve been quiet for too long,” Taiki mused. 
“They’ve got to be up to something. Something that’ll 
either embarrass me or send all three of us to prison…”
	Taiki’s suspicions were confirmed when Joan Rivers 
stalked up to him, looking furious. Taiki wanted to slam 
his head into a wall. Somehow, he figured that Seiya and 
Yaten had had something to do with her rage.
	“Hello, Ms. Rivers,” Taiki braced himself.
	“Why, hello, Mr. Kou,” snapped Joan. “Are you here to 
tell me how terrible my dress looks and how old and 
wrinkled I am?”
	Taiki cringed. “I can explain for my companions’ 
behavior…”
	“THAT WAS A LIVE BROADCAST!” shouted the furious 
fashion reviewer. “THE WHOLE WORLD HEARD THEM INSULT ME!”
	“I’m… oh, no,” Taiki glanced around him. He was being 
surrounded by dozens of angry looking actresses.
	“Ladies, I…” Taiki gulped. Nicole Kidman was clenching 
her fists and Halle Berry was drawing her finger across her 
throat in a foreboding symbol.
	Taiki looked around. Seiya and Yaten were nowhere in 
sight. The tall pop star sighed. 
	“I take it I’m about to be hurt…”

	Meanwhile, as Taiki was getting beaten up, Seiya and 
Yaten were in hysterics.
	“Did you see Renee Zellweger’s face when you told her 
an obese beagle would look better in her dress? Seiya wiped 
a tear away from his face.
	Yaten bowed. “My finest moment!”
	“We should apologize to Taiki for complaining about 
all of this,” Seiya grinned. “This really is fun.”
	“Speaking of Taiki,” Yaten glanced up, suddenly 
realizing that the tallest Light was nowhere to be seen. 
“Where’d he go?”
	Seiya shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s probably off 
talking to some sound editors or somebody like that.”
	Yaten’s eyes grew wide. “Hide.”
	Seiya and Yaten ducked into the crowd as a group of 
angry actresses stalked past them, dragging something 
behind them. Seiya craned his neck to see their victim. He 
was unsuccessful. 
	“Ah,” he sighed. “I can’t see a thing.”
	“Too bad,” remarked Yaten. “I want to see what it is 
they’re carrying off.”
	“I don’t know. Whoever it was, I sure feel sorry for 
the poor guy.”
	Yaten peered through the crowd. “I think we’re safe. 
Let’s go.”
	The two mischievous Lights eased their way back out 
into the open.
	“Well,” Seiya said. “We’ve ruined the evening of a 
bunch of actresses and one poor guy who got in their way. 
We haven’t tortured Russell Crowe yet.”
	Yaten shrugged. “Maybe that guy was Russell Crowe.”
	“I wish,” murmured Seiya. “But he’s right over there.” 
Sure enough, Mr. Crowe was standing a few feet away from 
them and looked quite healthy.
	Yaten grinned. “Seiya, after this, I’m never going to 
buy you a Christmas present again.”
	Seiya watched in confusion as Yaten walked up to 
Russell Crowe.
	“Hey, Russ,” Yaten greeted the actor. “Nice to see 
you.”
	“Do I know you?” the Oscar winner frowned.
	“Oh, no,” Yaten said. “But I’ve heard plenty about 
you. Boy, after what those girls in the back were saying I 
was so surprised to hear that you’re a nominee.”
	Russell frowned. “What girls?”
	“Oh, you know,” Yaten went on, casually. “Just some 
snobby actresses.”
	“What did they say?”
	“Just stuff like, ‘Russell’s such a loser,’ ‘Russell’s 
so ugly,’ ‘He owes me six bucks for A Beautiful Mind.’ You 
know, stuff like that.”
	Russell’s face got red. “What actresses were saying 
that?”
	“Oh, you know, pretty much all of the Best Actress 
nominees,” Yaten shrugged as if it wasn’t of much 
importance.
	The actor looked furious. “They said all that stuff 
about me?”
	Yaten placed a hand on Russell’s shoulders. “That and 
more, my friend. If I were you, I’d seriously consider 
another line of work.”
	Russell brushed past Yaten, angrily. “Excuse me.”
	As soon as he was out of earshot, Seiya approached 
Yaten, wiping tears of hysteria from his face. 
	“Oh my God. You are evil.”
	“You’re just now realizing this? You are slow.”
	“Yaten, you are going to burn.”
	“And you’re not?”
	“Yeah, I guess Taiki’s the only one of us who is 
safe.”
	As if on cue, Taiki came onto the scene. Seiya and 
Yaten cringed at the sight of him. He was limping, both of 
his eyes were black, one of his sleeves was torn off, and 
one of his shoes was missing. Not only that, but he looked 
positively enraged. Seiya and Yaten suddenly realized who 
the victim of the angry actresses’ had been.
	“Look at it this way,” Seiya finally said in a small 
voice. “They didn’t mess up your hair.”
	Much to Seiya and Yaten’s horror, Taiki placed his 
hand behind his head and pulled it back with his whole 
ponytail in his grip. It looked as though it had been 
savagely ripped from his head. Taiki placed the ponytail 
back behind his head. Seiya gave him a questioning glance.
	Taiki seized both of his companions by the throat. 
“I’m holding it on with tape.”
	“Taiki!” cried Seiya. “Don’t hurt us! Please?”
	“Think of the fans?” Yaten cried. “They’ll be deprived 
of my good looks if you hurt me!”
	Seiya looked at Yaten. “When did YOU start caring 
about the fans?”
	Taiki tightened his grip on their throats before Yaten 
could answer. “Listen to me,” The tall pop star seethed. 
“I’d REALLY like to hurt- no, I’d like to MAIM you right 
now. But the show’s starting and we’ve got to get inside.”
	Yaten stared at Taiki. “You’re going to go inside and 
be on television with your hair looking like THAT?”
	“It wouldn’t look like that if two, certain idiots 
hadn’t been insulting some superficial actresses!” Taiki 
snapped.
	“Why’d they go after you?” Seiya queried. “The only 
time we mentioned you was when we told Halle Berry you 
thought she was fat.”
	“And then we told Nicole Kidman that you said her gown 
looked like shower curtains.”
	“Yeah, she wasn’t too happy. Oh, and then-“
	“Enough!” shouted Taiki. “Let’s just go inside.”

	The inside of the Kodak Theater was looking just as 
great as the outside for Hollywood’s biggest nights. 
Everyone was lost in the glamour of the night. Everyone, 
that is, except for Yaten and Seiya.
	“Who did they hire as a decorator? A blind man?”
	“These decorations are so bad they almost make Sissy 
Spacek’s outfit look good!”
	“You’d think for the biggest night in Hollywood, the 
scene wouldn’t be SOO shabby.”
	Needless to say, Taiki was cringing behind his 
bandmates, trying not to meet eyes with anyone. Actresses 
were still sending furious glares his way. He touched his 
mutilated ponytail and shuddered. Yaten and Seiya were out 
of control.
	Yaten and Seiya didn’t think they were out of control. 
They were having the time of their lives. After the initial 
shock of Taiki’s injured state, the two crueler Lights had 
found the whole thing very funny. Dumb Taiki had gotten 
them into this; dumb Taiki was going to pay.
	The night passed on without much action. Yaten tripped 
Whoopi Goldberg as she was approaching the stage for the 
night’s opening. Seiya began to cough loudly as Jennifer 
Connelly as she made her acceptance speech for the Best 
Supporting Actress award. But then, it came time for the 
Best Actress in a Leading Role award to be given out. Sure 
enough, the presenters were none other than Three Lights.
	Seiya and Yaten came onto the stage, practically 
skipping. Taiki walked behind them, limping, trying 
desperately to get his ponytail to stay in place. 
	“Good evening!” sang out Seiya.
	“We’re here to present the award for Ugliest Actress 
in a Leading Role,” Yaten explained.
	“Actually, it’s Ugliest and Worst Dressed,” Seiya 
said, beaming.
	Yaten shrugged. “Really, all of the nominees deserve 
this award, but only one of you can truly be the Ugliest.”
	“And Worst Dressed.”
	Taiki grabbed the microphone. “The nominees for Best 
Actress in a Leading Role are…”
	“Halle Berry, for Monster’s Ball.”
	“Ya know, I heard there were no monsters in that 
movie, but judging by Halle’s make-up tonight, it’s 
difficult to believe.”
	“Judi Dench, for Iris.”
	“Oh, yes. Dame Judi Dench is going to win. This is 
Hollywood! Nobody old is going to win!"
	“Nicole Kidman, for Moulin Rouge.”
	“Now, you’d think after that movie, Nicole would get 
some fashion sense.”
	“Sissy Spacek, for In the Bedroom.”
	“Back to the Judi Dench theory. Too old and ugly.”
	“Renee Zellweger, for Bridget Jones’ Diary.”
	Instead of making a comment on the final nominee, 
Yaten and Seiya simply broke out into hysterical laughter. 
Taiki, though wanting to shoot them both, decided to remain 
professional. He opened the envelope.
	“And the Oscar goes to…” 
	Before Taiki could read off the winner, Seiya snatched 
the envelope from his hand. He looked at the sheet of paper 
inside of the envelope and gasped.
	“This is a moment in Oscar history, folks!” He said. 
“The award goes to none of you! All of the nominees really 
sucked that terribly! There is no Best Actress in a Leading 
Role!”
	“Which means we get the pretty statue!” beamed Yaten.
	Taiki quickly grabbed the envelope back. “The winner 
is Halle Berry!”
	Halle Berry, despite her rage, began to sob as her 
name was called. She couldn’t have been happier. She 
couldn’t believe she had received the biggest honor in 
Hollywood. The young actress made her way to the stage to 
accept her award. She glared at Taiki as she passed him, 
stepping on his foot, and then happily accepted her Oscar 
from Seiya and Yaten, whom were grinning evilly. Halle 
began to make her speech, but Yaten stopped her. 
	“Wait. Before you begin, we would like to give you our 
own token of appreciation.” Yaten exchanged a glance with 
Seiya.
	Taiki watched in curiosity and horror as Seiya 
retreated backstage and returned with a large chocolate 
cake. Seiya handed it to Yaten, smiling.
	“Do you like cake, Halle?” Seiya asked her.
	“Yes, I love cake,” the actress replied.
	“Well, eat up,” Yaten smashed the cake into Halle 
Berry’s face, happily. As the cake dropped off of the 
actress’s face, leaving it smeared with chocolate, she 
shrieked in fury. She grabbed a handful of the cake and 
hurled it at Seiya, who ducked. The chocolate mess landed 
on Taiki’s face instead. 
	Pandemonium ensued. All of the Best Actress nominees 
ran up onto the stage, along with Russell Crowe. They all 
began flinging chocolate cake around at each other. They 
chased Seiya and Yaten through the theater, shouting 
threats. Half of them had already caught poor Taiki, whose 
screams of pain could be heard throughout California. 
	And that’s this author’s coverage of the 74th Annual 
Academy Awards.