-:I:- Perceptions and Doubts -:I:- -:Kelli {AtmosphericLight@aol.com} This story deals with Kakyuu's feelings about Fighter's apparent love for Sailormoon. I'm a firm believer that there was in fact something between Starfighter and Princess Kakyuu prior to the destruction of Kinmoku. Have you ever heard the phrase 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?' If you have, good. If you haven't, it's okay. The point I'm trying to make is that most women would be devasted/furious to learn that their significant other fell for someone else while they were temporarily out of the picture. This story kind of deals with Kakyuu as well as Fighter's feelings on the situation and how it's affected their lives forever. Anyway I'm sure you've had enough of my rambling so you can just read the story now... :) Oh, yeah and I do not own Sailor moon, or any other BSSM character. **** When I think back on these times And the dreams we left behind I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed To get to have you in my life When I look back on these days I'll look and see your face You were right there for me In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky In my heart there will always be a place for you For all my life, I'll keep a part of you with me And everywhere I am, there you'll be { Faith Hill } **** She was still beautiful. Kakyuu didn't want her to be, she wanted Fighter's betrayal to shine through, the ugliness and cruelty to mark her like so many scars against her flesh. Fighter's face should show what lurked inside, the monster that lived there, happy and content beneath its filthy depths in true communion with all that was evil and wrong. But when Kakyuu looked at Fighter's face, the evil just wasn't there. How could that be, she thought wildly, torn between running into Fighter's arms and hitting her with all her might. A trick, that's what it was. Kinmokusei's air, the dull fog that shrouded what should have been their special night, clung to Fighter, tricking Kakyuu into loving her still. Long after the betrayal. Long after the deed was witnessed and done. Fighter stood in front of her, surveying the scene with what looked like honest confusion filling her eyes. "Princess?" she queried and Kakyuu saw Fighter pale at her silent response. What does she see in my eyes, Kakyuu wondered? What's written on my face? Could it actually mirror what's in my soul? Could it truly reflect the pieces of what was once my heart? Kakyuu didn't think so, nothing could have done justice to her feelings at that moment. Fading away after her starseed, had been taken, was nothing in comparison to this. She wished she could just fade away again. Would the pain be gone then? This was the true living death -- she walked, she talked, she breathed, and yet, she was no more alive than the stones that made up the ground or the shale Fighter had for a heart. A heart? Monsters don't have hearts, do they? "Princess." Again, her voice, and Kakyuu wanted to cover her ears and scream. Her lover's voice, so sweet before, it was pure torture now and her control was slipping inch by inch. "What's wrong?" Again she didn't respond. Fighter's face paled. There. Oh, look at her face, Kakyuu thought, dull triumph roaring through her, leaving her weak enough to feel faint. Yes, two can play the game of hearts. But Fighter wasn't giving up so easily. "Why won't you answer me?" Fighter's blue eyes met with Kakyuu's own eyes. "Do you want me to leave?" There was such pain in her voice, and Kakyuu swore Fighter could have fooled the devil himself. "Yes," Kakyuu answered, looking up defiantly. "Get out. Leave and don't come back. I don't want to see you again." Life's joy left Fighter's eyes and to Kakyuu's horror she felt her soul shrink at the sight. But the fury, the rage, it masked the agony so very well, like a drug. "Don't you dare come back, ever." Fighter blinked and suddenly looked lost, like a child abandoned on a train platform. "All right," she whispered, her lips trembling, her eyes overbright with tears. "But I'm telling you, I don't understand." Oh God, she was so beautiful and Kakyuu nearly gave in. Forgiveness was so close, any explanation would do but ... Fighter stared at the floor for a moment, before glancing back at her. "I'll go, only because you asked me to. But this isn't over." Fighter turned and suddenly she was gone as was what was left of Kakyuu's heart. She waited for the tears to come, but they didn't. Instead a horrible weight settled immediately within her, as heavy as the universe itself, crushing all other emotions, dooming her to a life without feeling -- without happiness ... Without love. The love she and Fighter had once shared was gone. It was gone the minute Fighter professed her love to Sailormoon. How could Fighter have stood there and claimed to not understand that she had broken her heart? Their love was gone and she wouldn't allow herself to feel it again. No matter how beautiful that love once was. But could an eternity of love be thrown away in a minute? The past didn't lie, so why had Kakyuu doubted Fighter when she had stood before her, swearing that she still loved her? Fighter's eyes had shone with a strange truth, against all odds and Kakyuu remembered that moment on Earth, when Fighter had sung for her as Seiya. Just for her, a moment so perfect, it was held in her heart as if carved there, forever. //Remember what you saw.// Yes, that. She had seen the way Fighter had looked at Sailormoon. Or the way Seiya had looked at Usagi. Yes, that horrible, miserable, soul shattering sight. But the eyes can deceive, Kakyuu thought frantically. Can't they? But then again, so can the memory. Memories of Fighter loving Kakyuu, fighting for her, watching her through eyes that held nothing but the light of true love within their depths. Deceptions all ... or were they? Her own ears had heard Seiya's words to Usagi, her own eyes had seen the betrayal, so what was holding her back from hating Fighter? Lies were lies. Just because Fighter said she still loved Kakyuu, did that make the impossible true? //Remember what you saw.// If she had only stayed away, that day, no, she wouldn't have been present for any of it, and she would've been free, free of the sights, the sounds and the lies, the damnable, horrible lies. Forever. "So it all comes down to the past, doesn't it?" Kakyuu mused quietly, as she shifted around on the cushion of the window seat and glanced out the large window. The view across the valley was breathtaking. Like a great oil painting strung across the horizon. Sweeping grassy slopes that seemed impossibly smooth and unblemished. A complex patchwork of greens. Mathematical artistry. Simply breathtaking. "It comes down to trust." A feminine voice whispered from behind her. Kakyuu turned around, startled, only to see Fighter standing near where she was sitting. Her mind told her to send Fighter away again, but her broken heart wouldn't allow it. "How can I trust you?" Kakyuu questioned, the characteristic gentleness returning to her voice despite her desperate attempts at keeping her tone angry. "You know what you're asking me. To trust your word over my own eyes." "I asked you to be my love, the other half of my soul. Forever. Eternally, and you said yes. How is this any more to ask?" Fighter asked calmly, although there was a hint of desperation in her voice. Kakyuu shook her head and turned away. "You're asking me to deny the truth. You're asking me to deny everything I've seen with my own eyes." "I'm asking you to give me a chance. To take my record into account so to speak." Impulsively, Fighter's hand raked through her dark hair. "I love you, Kakyuu. I've always loved you and I hope to God I've proved it, more than once. Why, even a judge--" Kakyuu whirled around, eyes blazing, and cut her off. "This isn't a trial. If it were, you would have been in a cell long ago." Fighter stared at her, sad eyes searching hers. "If this were a trial," Fighter said quietly. "I know you'd be fairer to me than anyone else. Because I believe in your love, in your intelligence, and your fairness." Fighter's voice had been sorrowful then, and Kakyuu could barely stand the sound. "Think, Kakyuu ... think about what you thought you saw and how you can reconcile that to our past." Fighter's voice was strained now, she wasn't even bothering to cover up her desperation anymore. Hands shaking, Kakyuu looked towards the window. "I have thought about it." She turned her head to the side, and her shining eyes met with Fighter's own. "You betrayed me. If that doesn't shame you, " Kakyuu murmured. "Nothing will." Fighter swallowed hard. "You don't understand." "I *saw* the truth!" Kakyuu cried, standing from her seat, then tottering toward Fighter, her small hands clenched into fists. "I saw you and her and ... and ..." "And what?" Fighter asked, grabbing Kakyuu's arms and steadying her. "And what? And none of it made sense to you? I'm not surprised, because it doesn't make sense to me either. Kakyuu, search your heart. You fell in love with me for certain reasons, try to think, think back to what those reasons were." The memories hit Kakyuu like a reeling flood, sweet, warm water over a soul that knew its share of bruises. Could Kakyuu put such a deception past her heart? Could she assign such a betrayal to Fighter? How could any woman lie so well, but be caught the last, possible minute? //Remember what you saw.// She thought of Lear then, of his self-inflicted blindness, and she sadly understood. The eyes can deceive, trust them not, but how sweet it would be to fall back into Fighter's arms. How sweet ... and how damned stupid. "No," Kakyuu said with finality. "I know what I saw. There's no denying it." Fighter didn't seem as convinced. "Kakyuu..." "Yes?" Kakyuu asked, her chin tilted high and proud. She was a princess after all, wasn't she? "Every day I love you more, no matter if we're together or apart." Fighter said, and Kakyuu's knees went weak at the sound of her words. She silently cursed herself for her weakness, for allowing Fighter's sweet words to deceive her heart. Fighter reached out and took her hands, and there was no pulling away, not even if Kakyuu had wanted to. "I love you, Kakyuu. Yesterday, today, and forever. Whether you agree to it or not, I'm going to love you. Nothing can stop that, not even you." Kakyuu's mouth opened, but no sound came out. Oh, what an actress Fighter was, what a liar and ... //Remember what you saw.// What I've seen, what I've seen ... and suddenly, there were no easy answers. Even for eyes that thought they saw it all. Kakyuu pulled her hands away and turned her back to Fighter. "Leave." "No." Kakyuu crossed her arms over her chest, and stared intensely at the empty space in front of her, absolutely refusing to meet Fighter's eyes again. "Do you think I'm a fool? I know you fell in love with her! You probably would have stayed with her if she didn't already have someone! You couldn't have her so you might as well settle for me. That's it, that's the truth isn't it?" Kakyuu tensed as Fighter's warm breath fell against her hair, "I know I hurt you and I'm sorry." Fighter whispered, her breath warm against Kakyuu's neck and ear, as she moved closer towards her. Her leather gloved hands lighted on Kakyuu's shoulders. "I love you." "I wish I could believe you." Kakyuu murmured, as she pulled away from Fighter's touch and turned back around slowly, to face her once more. Fighter stared at Kakyuu's distraught face, her delicate features marred with an immense sorrow. "Do you really love me? Am I really the one you want?" Kakyuu asked quietly, a chill creeping deeply into her thoughts, as she stared up at Fighter's tired face, there was a silent plea for honesty in her scarlet eyes. "Yes." //Remember what you saw.// Again she remembered, that day on the roof of Juuban High school. Minutes before they had left Earth. Fighter or rather Seiya had tried to tell Usagi of her feelings right in front of her. Kakyuu couldn't help but wonder, if Usagi had returned Fighter's feelings, would Fighter have stayed on Earth? Would Fighter have abandoned her? Those unanswered questions tore at her soul, and the broken pieces of Kakyuu's heart. There really was no way of knowing. Kakyuu still loved Fighter though. Despite the betrayal. Despite all of it. She was such a fool. "Only a fool wants what she cannot have." Kakyuu said softly, her eyes met with Fighter's own and she smiled; with such a sadness in her eyes. "I don't want to be a fool anymore, Fighter." Fighter straightened, her eyes saddened by the sorrow she saw in Kakyuu's face, as she watched her, aware of the tension stretching between them. She reached out and took Kakyuu's hands in her own, blue eyes searching Kakyuu's face desperately."I'll make no more excuses for what I did, yes I loved her, but believe me when I say this I love you too. Don't ever doubt that." "I don't doubt it, anymore. I know you love me but it's different now, everything is different." She pulled her hands away and took a step back. "I'm not certain I'm the one who holds your heart anymore, maybe your not certain either. I want you to be happy though, Fighter, because I do still love you. So don't settle, don't settle for me. You'll never be happy that way." "I'm happy with you, I wouldn't be settling. Please, believe that." Fighter whispered, eyes begging, and lost. "I wish I could believe that, but now I feel the only thing binding you to me, is destiny. If not for that you would have stayed there ... with her." "I would never have-" Kakyuu held up her hand, silencing Fighter, and she met her companion's eyes evenly. "Please, if you ever loved me drop the matter." Kakyuu said, taking a few steps back, heading for the door. Fighter listened to her, her heart breaking with every word Kakyuu uttered. "Kakyuu, please.." She begged, taking a step forward only to have Kakyuu take another step back. //Remember what you saw.// Kakyuu smiled sadly at her, the sting of unshed tears prickling in her eyes "I don't think you understand your own heart, until you do I can't see you anymore." "You don't mean that, you don't," Fighter said desperately. "You don't..." "I dreamed a dream of you, and it was a sweet dream." Kakyuu murmured, placing her hand on the door knob. She pulled the door open and glanced back at Fighter, still smiling sadly. "While it lasted." "Kakyuu!" Fighter called after her, but it was too late. She was gone. Fighter moved quickly towards the door and pulled it open. She stepped out and glanced around the open corridors, frantically looking for any sign of Kakyuu, ahead there was only the palace gardens. Kakyuu was no where in sight. Fighter stared ahead in silence; suddenly her ears perked up and she could hear the faint sound of sobbing in the distance. But there were two sets of voices. Fighter stepped behind a stone wall, stopping to find her heart being wrenched downwards to her stomach and her breath catching in the webs of searing ache in her throat. Kakyuu had her head buried in Healer's shoulder, she was sobbing softly, with Healer murmuring soft words of comfort in her ear, and a concerned Maker was looking on. It was disheartening, to say the least. Fighter dared not utter a word, not even to the secrecy of herself. She leaned against the sharp rocks of the wall, closing her eyes and thinking about her past with Kakyuu before everything fell apart. But that was only a brisk fantasy that her life had managed to foolishly push far away from her after that fateful day on Earth, as far away from her reach as long as her mind allowed her to remember. It was too late; in reality Kakyuu may have only been standing across the narrow gardens but she was worlds away from Fighter now. It was too late to say anything after the entire ordeal with Usagi. Fighter eyed them again and noticed the devotion shining through Healer's eyes, in plain sight and unconcealed, as Kakyuu cried on her shoulder. She knew she would get an ear full later - not that she didn't deserve it. Healer always had been protective of Kakyuu. "I love you, Kakyuu," Fighter said to herself rather than to her. Kakyuu couldn't have heard her anyway. She took agonizing steps away from the wall that separated her from Kakyuu's reassuring voice, knowing that SHE was to blame for the unwanted distance, not Kakyuu. Kakyuu pulled away from the comforting embrace of her senshi and friend and turned towards a familiar presence. She saw nothing but a stone wall that seemed to have an apologetic story to tell her, a story that was too late for her to hear. //Remember what you saw.// Yes, she would always remember. She could never forget.